Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
