I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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