He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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