apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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