Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
