he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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