I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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