My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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