Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
