So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
