My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
