My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
