We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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