Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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