and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
