she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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