you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
i am craving dick and cupcakes
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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