I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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