He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
