why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
