it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
