you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
