I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Every concussion has its silver lining
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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