I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Randomize
