I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
