I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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