wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
