In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
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