i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
