we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
