Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
