Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
