Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
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