he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
