kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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