College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
