This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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