i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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