Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
