I think my fart just growled at me.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
