first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
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