you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
