The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
