FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
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