It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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