FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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