But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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