oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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