My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
