I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
