dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
