Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
